The Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine and the Evils of money

 

Esmeralda (a long standing character of my diary), has much empathy with E (the letter not the tablet) and is enjoying Easter with Easter eggs and Entertaining Everyone by Exploring Eels and Echinoderm (Starfish). She entirely blames them for her Eczema and this rather embittered and emotional employment of explosives to end her embarrassment is encouraged by Mr Evans of Evans Emporium where she purchases the explosives and eels. I feel he encourages her for his own Evil ends i.e. money (the route of all Evil)

Dad, a new age Environmentalist and expert Engineer has built England’s first Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine, which runs entirely on Elderberries. Using Electrolysis and Electronics to produce an electromotive force from the Elaborate elliptical orbit of Elderberry Electrons in an erroneous effervescent electrolyte. I feel some of you may need to consult an Encyclopaedia to entirely understand everything although I know Mr ESB (A member of R.A.T.S) will be very enamoured by this enormous epoch, encouraging him to continue his own experiments with his Chicken Sandwiches.

The Elite of the European Elliptical Earth Engine Club say it is an exemplary example of an Elliptical Earth Engine and having examined it say its execution and extraction of Energy from Elderberries is an evolutionary event in the elliptical engines evolution (note the clever use of the same word twice HAH HAHHAH HAHh hahhahh ).

Because of dads enterprising efforts, the European Elliptical Earth Engine Club have awarded dad a posh certificate but dad said “A B******* posh certificate I was hoping for loads of money” and has exploded the Ecological Elliptical Earth Engine……. adding EASY come EASY go.

Money you see, is the route of all evil; but great for explosions. Mum says Dad is an Egghead but also an IDIOT

Hopefully the Explosive End of the Earth Engine and dads Experimenting will see the Weather return to normal

The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom

Dam it appears the Department of Demons and Demonic Diseases has depressed dad saying we have a dodgy infestation of the demented Deadly Dormice of Doom in the dinning Room. Disposed of by  (Well Dropped)  by a Dutch Drunkard from his duffel bag; who had been drinking, and dancing  with the dog on the doorstep in the dead of night, celebrating the Death of the Diamond  Duchess of Demark in 1871 (hang on I know that year from the A to Z list). The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom have dug down into the dark dank decaying depths of the draughty dungeons (OK the Cellar).  Definitely adding to the difficulty and discomfort of a diabolically dodgy drove of deadly doomsday animals and Androids.

Mum says it’s a disgrace and has sent the dog down to dislodge them, (ARNOLD the ANDROID ANARCHIST, the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia and The demented Deadly Dormice of Doom).

After much discussion and debate and a bit of despair, the dog has disembowelled a couple of the demented Deadly Dormice of Doom who have raised the white flag (a dirty white flag) and are departing dispirited and in dishonour. It appears the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia is depressed due to a sudden downpour of deep snow (SNOW……..WHAT?????)  and the AUTOMATED ALUMINIUM AND ANTIMONY ARTICULATED ARMOUR plated ALBINO ARANEOMORPHAE ANDROID (ARNOLD the ANDROID ANARCHIST) is suffering from distemper and is asking for Doughnuts and Dolly Mixture. And says just because they look like the devil doesn’t mean they are degenerates and it is definitely discrimination of deadly demons and Androids. And that it is dehumanizing. ……….Well if you’re not a human, although I guess he was ANTHROPOMORPHIC

ANTHROPOMORPHIC hang on I’m back at A again how did that happen ……..Mum has added IDIOT (sorry Dimwit) …… I blame the snow.

Catching the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia

CRICKS we appear to have a Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia in our cellar, the dog says the cats (Heavy Harry and Sooty) caught it and then it crept off into the cellar. Dad says they are clever critters and can consume a tin of cat food in a couple of seconds and will cut the tin open themselves…. COOL. I think the cats must have been creeping about in the crypt of the church and got it confused or cornered cos they eat cats.  

 

It appears the cats thought is was some sort of Chinese Coach roach and were very (to put it mildly) Cock a hoop particularly as it had just eaten the Chaplin’s (the Rev Clark) Cockerel and Cocker spaniel, a coconut and a pair of cycle clips.  Clearly caution is needed it all reminds me of the film “The Creeping Unknown” at a Cinema near you sometime in the last Century. I’m sure the creature in that was a bit like Cyclops with the one eye. I have added the Youtube clip to make a comparison

Dad is constructing a steam powered catapult and the dog drinking a cup of tea and is consulting his chemistry set to make a complex chemical compound using chloroform to choke or Kill (Dam wrong K) the  Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia.  The Church Choir are chanting “Catch the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia” while chewing cake and mum has suggested we set   Arnold the Android Anarchist from the Letter A on it and see who wins ………Well COOL

OOoooooooooo by the way …….. COUS COUS, cabbage and Chinese Chicken Curry with Cheddar CHEESE for Tea …………………….. YUM

C whose a clever chappie then ……………… Mum has just said IDIOT (sorry CLOT) 

Burning Bilberry Bushes, Biodiversity and banshees

Because today is Monday Mum has made Buns so today is now Bun-day much better.  Biology in School today with Mr Bradford (a budding Buddhist Bio-chemist) was Brilliant.  “The biology of a Bilberry Bush”, and despite Bernard’s best attempts to burn the Bilberry bush (he says he had read about a burning bush somewhere) being brought to an abrupt stop by being bashed on the head with a baseball bat by Mr Bradford the Biology teacher. The bush was still a bountiful biosphere of breathtaking beetles, bumble bees, brontosaurus and big bad burrowing beasts from Byzantium……… AH I might have got a bit carried away there. Mum has said Buffoon (not IDIOT today).

       

However while bouncing back to the classroom through the Bracken, the banshee’s came to see me, we are the best of buddies from way back.  But Banshees always scare folk so Mr Bradford and some of Class B52 threw Buttered buns at the banshees shouting “be gone beasts you will give us Bronchitis and Bubonic Plague and blue boils and bully our budgerigars.  It was the Brussels sprouts that finally made the banshees back off, back into the Broadleaf trees of the woods. You can’t blame them, Brussels sprouts …….YUK.

The rest of the day in school was bitterly boring but that was because it appeared that everyone else had started their Easter Holidays……………………….AH DAM, Mum said IDIOT (sorry Buffoon)

Back to burying Brassica’s and Broad beans, and building the sculpture.      

I’m off now Because I am Drumming (Djembe)   soon with the Band ….. Brilliant. The truth is never good for B’s

AN ACME AUTOMATED ALUMINIUM AND ANTIMONY ARTICULATED ARMOUR plated ALBINO ARANEOMORPHAE ANDROID

An Automated Aluminium and Antimony Articulated Armour plated Albino Araneomorphae (spider sort of thing) Android eating auntie’s armchair during breakfast was altogether avant-garde. Dad assembled it from an ACME Atomic Ant Anthropomorphic Armageddon Android self Assembly kit and modified it a bit to improve the Aesthetics.  Being Anthropomorphic it had eaten Coco pops and cream first plus Toast and Anchovies, although mum was annoyed that it ate the plates too, but is saves on washing up. And it read the newspaper, showing some interest in stories on the Abyssinian Airforce, Aphids in the Alps AND ALIENs.     

Dad thinks its eaten an Antelope, aardvark and an Armadillo also….. Well AWESOME, APPARENTLY it uses Analogue Logic and ASCII to analyse the atmosphere and it’s surroundings.

Me and the dog took Arnold as we have called it (him?) for a walk but it ran amok and ate the Antique dealer and his Airedale; the dog and I never liked the Airedale it was always a bit Aloof. But we think Arnold is an Anarchist.

At home later mum was reading the instruction manual for the ACME Atomic Ant Anthropomorphic Armageddon Android self Assembly kit and it didn’t say   Anthropomorphic it said Anthropophagous, so sort of likes human flesh and Apple pie (a bit). The Dog has gone “PHEW not dog then”, but mum has insisted Arnold the Android Anarchist is locked in the Attic until we find a large enough Aquarium to keep him in. Mum has also told dad that he should take up Alchemy next time we get involved in the letter A